Your co-worker just got laid off, your friend is divorcing, your elderly uncle died and your aunt is very sad, your neighbour’s cat just died. All these circumstances may leave us wondering just what to do… and you are not alone. The first thing to remember is to just ‘be’ with the person. This is not a time to ‘do’, or ‘fix’ or offer advice or use a not so comforting ‘cliché’… but rather to be. How do you do that? The key is to listen. This can be a challenge as often we feel uncomfortable when someone is suffering, sad or crying in our presence…so we tend to fill the silent space with words. Honestly… just being with someone and holding them or their hand and being silent is a very helpful way of assisting.
When you plan to spend time with someone who is grieving do plan the time.. being helpful does not happen during a 10 minute phone call or a 15 minute visit. Allow time, turn off the cell phone and park your own agenda at the door. Let the grieving person take the lead. They may not even want to talk about their grief.. they may want a distraction like asking how work is… about a TV show on last night or they may want to go for a walk… Not all grieving people will want to be sobbing and in need of Kleenex 24 hours a day. If they do want to talk, attentively listen and try your best to hear what they are saying.. and remember my prior advice… don’t offer any!! Refrain also from sharing your own experiences of grief.. remember this is not about you, but about them. There is also no need to fix things unless you are directly asked. Assurance that they are feeling ‘normal’ and validation are key. If they have not been sleeping or eating well… that too is normal, unless it continues for a few weeks on end…. then I would suggest they get an appointment with their family physician.
Being with someone who is grieving can be emotionally draining, but oh so helpful. Allow yourself some time to unwind and process after your visit if need be. Your loved one or friend will be so glad you walked along side them in their grief.
